


To Be Needed

by duck_pond



Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: Cancer, Canon Compliant, College, F/M, Post-Canon, Underage Drinking, eventual happy ending because we all need it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:55:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24466063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/duck_pond/pseuds/duck_pond
Summary: Years after Devi's self-destructive episode(s), she and Ben have both made it to Princeton and set aside their rivalries. One might even call them best friends. So when Devi finds out that Nalini's been diagnosed with cancer, she suddenly finds herself leaning on Ben for support.
Relationships: Ben Gross/Devi Vishwakumar, Devi Vishwakumar/Nalini Wishwakumar
Comments: 9
Kudos: 66





	1. Ben and Devi

“I asked you to proofread, not rewrite!”

Devi stood in the entranceway of Ben’s small galley-style kitchen, one-handedly waving her Macbook in the air towards him. He looked up from the pot of kraft mac n cheese he was just about to finish preparing.

“David, I didn’t  _ rewrite  _ it, I  _ revised  _ it. I only changed a few sentences to be less repetitive and passive. It’s better now.” He turned away and moved to grab bowls for the mac.

“It’s a research lab,  _ Benjamin _ , not an article for Thought Catalog! I’m not looking to insert my personality––I just needed you to check for typos and grammar.” She stepped into the kitchen and placed her computer on the already-cluttered counter next to the bowls Ben had set out. “How do I go back to track all of the changes you made, I don’t have time to comb through all fifteen pages of your edits.”

“Do you mind! I’m trying to plate up the meal that I am  _ graciously _ providing you, after doing you the favor of editing your midterm research lab––which you begged me to do, by the way!” said Ben.

“You’re such a drama queen––I didn’t beg you, I asked and you accepted. And the meal that you are ‘ _ graciously providing’  _ me is literally just Kraft dinner. No one is getting any Michelin stars here.” Devi rolled her eyes.

“This is NAME BRAND Kraft mac and cheese here! When’s the last time you even made your generic-brand orange bullshit on the stove?” He picked up the bowls and brought them to the round table just outside of the kitchen, which was covered in what appeared to be an explosion of both Ben and Devi’s study materials.

“Can you please just show me where I can find the list of edits you made? I’m not going to change all of them, just the ones that sound like a poly-sci major’s poor attempt at explaining science.” 

“Ouch––this coming from the girl who can’t figure out where the ‘history’ button on google docs is! Maybe you should take one of those computer literacy classes that they hold at the public library for senior citizens.” He took the computer from Devi, who was still holding it precariously in one hand.

“Just fix it!”

Ben sat at the table, turning his focus back onto Devi’s paper while Devi took a bite of her mac and cheese. “This needs hot sauce.”

“You know where to find it,” Ben said, not looking up from the computer. She got up and returned moments later with a bottle of Tobasco.

“Name brand Kraft AND Tobasco. I love having a rich friend.” It was Ben’s turn to roll his eyes.

This was the comfortable routine Ben and Devi had settled into, already halfway through the first semester of their junior year at Princeton. Five years ago, if you had told them (or anyone, really) that not only would they coexist peacefully on the same college campus, but they would also be BEST FRIENDS, they would have scoffed at you and recommended testing for sanity. 

After Devi’s streak of self-destructive behavior in the process of mourning her dad during their sophomore year, Ben and Devi’s relationship all but exploded. When she started dating Paxton after a months-long love triangle between the three of them, Ben and Devi had decided to wipe the slate clean of all the hateful words and drama that had occurred over their decade of schooling. It’s not like they were BFFs right away, and their academic rivalry didn’t cool down, but their interactions were less heated––less nuclear. So when high school ended and they found themselves starting fresh on a new coast with a campus full of strangers, it’s only natural that they would stick together for support.

Of course, it helped that they had completely different majors with completely different goals. Predictably, Ben took up political science with the intention of going to law school so he could follow in his dad’s footsteps. Not-so-predictably, Devi decided to go the pre-med route, which stunned her dermatologist mother, who had thought that Devi would never consider doing anything that remotely resembled the life-choices that she made. With the two of them striving to make themselves known in completely different programs, the rivalry that had worked to push them forward in high school now helped to diversify their academic perspectives. Both of them were being watched closely in their respective majors as people to expect  _ great things  _ from.

“Here––now you can see  _ every single thing  _ that I changed––even the places where I removed an extra space behind a period.” Ben slid the laptop back over to Devi’s side of the table.

“God, THANK you.” She scrolled down the page looking over all of the changes he made.

“Every time I revise one of your papers, you ask me to do this. Do you maybe want me to  _ show you _ how to find the histo–”

“SHH I’m looking through these”

Ben shook his head and turned his attention back to his food.

Twenty minutes later, bowls were empty and Devi finally finished looking through Ben’s edits. She leaned back in her chair and stretched her legs out. “Alright, I’m going to pack up and head back to my dorm. I wanna look through this one more time before I submit it, and I need to change for Kara’s party tonight.”

“Oh my  _ god,  _ I almost forgot about that.” Ben sighed out in relief. “I need to get _drunk_ tonight. Midterm week _sucks_.”

“You’re telling me! I’m not technically finished until I turn this bad-boy in.” Devi began to gather her things into her backpack.

“Yeah well I should have been done this morning after my last exam, but  _ someone _ asked me to proofread her fifteen-page research paper!” Ben looked at her expectantly, clearly waiting for those two magic words of gratitude.

  
“Yeah well, it sucks to suck. Smell ya later.” Devi threw up deuces on her way out the door, and Ben shook his head before gathering their dirty dishes.


	2. Devi and Nalini

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Devi gets a call from Nalini, who has some news.

When Devi arrived at her dorm, a small single tucked into a quiet corner of her building. After two years of roommates from hell, she finally wised up and took on a single dorm. She spent most of her time studying at Ben’s these days, but knowing that when she returned in the evening, she wouldn’t be dealing with a giant mess, or a random dude in the next bed over, or someone vomiting into her hamper, made worth the extra money she had to pay for housing. She flipped the switch on the bright fluorescent ceiling lamp and flopped face-down onto the bed. She groaned into her pillow before sitting up and pulling out her laptop to finish up the edits on her paper.

Fifteen minutes later, she hit the  **submit** button on the assignment page and a wave of relief passed over her.

_ Freedom.  _ At least...freedom for the week. Fall break could not have come any sooner. This semester had been particularly grueling. She had taken on a full credit load of courses at the encouragement of all of her current professors. At first, she had been flattered that so many professors had suggested she take their classes––and she wasn’t one to disappoint. But halfway through the semester, she was beginning to see why most people  _ didn’t _ take the maximum number of credits. She knew that she would be proud of herself come December, but today she was just feeling worn down.

A little alcohol should do the trick. The clock read 8:08––plenty of time to get ready for Kara’s “Post-Midterm Shitshow” as it was so aptly named on the Facebook event. A shitshow, Devi decided, was exactly what she needed.

xxx

Devi returned to her room after taking a shower, hoping to wash away that “midterms week” feeling. She grabbed her phone from her desk to see if she got any texts while she was showering, and to her surprise, there was a missed call from her mom. She tapped to call her back and put the phone on speaker as she headed to the closet to figure out what to wear.

“Devi”

“Hey, mom!” Devi called from the closet. She knew she wanted to wear jeans––October in New Jersey was not the season for a short skirt.

“Did you finish your midterms? How did they go” Nalini asked.

“Yeah, I just submitted my last paper, like, ten minutes ago! This week was grueling––you were right when you said I was taking too many credits. I don’t think I’ve eaten anything that grows in the ground since Sunday.” Devi walked back towards her phone, pulling on a favorite old crop top. She assumed that this wasn’t a look-hot-and-get-laid kind of party––she wanted to be comfortable and get shitfaced after midterms, and so did everyone else on campus.

“Devi, please take care of yourself. Will you please eat a vegetable tomorrow?” Nalini scolded.

“Yeah yeah, mom. I’ll eat a big salad tomorrow just for you.” To be honest, Devi was really craving some home cooking. The selection of traditional Indian cuisine at the Princeton dining hall was,  _ shocker _ , nonexistent. “I miss your cooking, though.”

“Actually, Devi...I was thinking that maybe you should come home for fall break.” Nalini’s voice held an emotion that Devi couldn’t pin down. There was something in the way that her mom was speaking that felt familiar––something she had heard before.

“What do you mean? I thought we agreed that it would be a waste of money.” After Devi’s freshman year, they decided that flying her all the way back to California for the week when Thanksgiving and the holidays were not too far off was unnecessary. “What’s going on?”

The other line was silent.

“Mom? Mom are you still there?” Devi asked, making sure that the call didn’t drop.

“Yes, Devi, I’m still here.”

“Is everything okay? You sound kind of upset––is something going on that I need to be home for?” Devi was sorting through the files in her memory, trying to figure out if there was some kind of significant date coming up or any noteworthy relatives visiting.

“Actually Devi, I have some news that I was hoping to tell you in person.” Nalini’s voice was starting to break. Devi was starting to recognize the tone in her voice––the last time she heard it was years ago.

“Mom, what’s going on?”

More silence.

“Mom?”

A deep breath on the other line.

“Devi, I have cancer.”


	3. Ben and Devi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben arrives at the party to find that Devi is way ahead of him.

Ben arrived at the party around midnight––he had planned on getting there earlier, but after dinner, he accidentally took a nap. He woke up around 11, disoriented by his location (the couch) and the TV screen asking if he was still watching. He was not.

By the time he got dressed and made a beer-run (Jersey liquor stores never carded), the party was already in full swing. When he opened the door to the first floor of the duplex that Kara lived in, he was immediately hit by a wave of steamy heat, the sour smell of cheap vodka, and the sound of someone’s shitty playlist blasting through a bluetooth speaker. He made his rounds, saying hello to all of his friends and acquaintances, while he made his way to the kitchen to lay down the case of PBR that he had brought. It was a classic choice––a step up from Bud light, but not as pretentious as the craft beers that seniors would bring to parties. He was learning. He cracked open a lukewarm one and headed out into the living room where, to his surprise, was a very drunk Devi Vishwakumar.

“Devi?” He hadn’t expected her to show up before him, even with his late arrival. She usually texted him to see if he was there already so she wouldn’t run the risk of being the first one there. How long had she been there to get as drunk as she looked?

“Wazzup mmmBITCH. Where you been?? I’m waaaaaay ahead of you on the shitface shitshow shitscale” Devi started laughing and stumbled into Ben. Jesus Christ.

“Uhhhh Devi? What have you been drinking?” After one-too-many nights of them BOTH getting blackout drunk, they had made a two-fold pact––first of all, if one of them was going to be blackout, then the other had to stay relatively sober. Clearly Devi had made the decision for which one he would be tonight. The other part of the pact was that they would not, under  _ any circumstance _ , consume the juice at the party. He looked at the red cup in Devi’s hand and sneaked a glance into it. Oh no. “Devi, seriously??”

“BrUH, this juice is SOOO GOOOD dump that piss you’re drinking down the drain and get some JUICE.” Devi’s persona tended to land somewhere between frat bro and bodybuilder when she was really drunk––this was pretty aggressive, even for Devi.

“Okay, can you please drink a glass of water after you finish that? It’s barely midnight and you’re already a mess.”

“Mmmkay MOM do you want me to HANDWASH your PANTIES too when I’m done???” Devi continued to laugh at her own joke, and she wobbled away to talk to her other friends.

Ben spotted Kara on the couch talking to some shady dude he didn’t recognize. He walked over to grill her about his intoxicated friend.

“Hey, Ben! Glad you made it out.” Kara greeted. She was reasonably sober.

“Hey Kara––thanks. The place is really...bumpin’” He was right, it was packed in the house. Usually, when he went to a party he recognized a solid percentage of the people running in mutual circle of friends. Tonight, he only recognized a few people. He knew a lot of his and Devi’s friends had left already for Fall Break vacations, but he was expecting a smaller crowd, not more strangers.

“I know! My sister’s boyfriend lives in Ewing and he brought a bunch of his friends up to hang. They’re pretty trashy!” Kara said joyfully. Ben didn’t understand New Jersey.

“Okay...uh, Kara, how long has Devi been here and how long has she been drinking the juice?”

“She’s been here since like, 10! She was the first one here, she even saw me making it. I thought for sure when she saw me put Everclear in it she wouldn’t touch it, but she had like two cups before anyone else even got here!” Oh shit. He left to find Devi, and Kara shrugged before talking to her new friend.

Moments later, Ben was walking around the party, a PBR in one hand and a cup of water in the other, looking for Devi. He was pretty annoyed––if he had known that she was going to be a hot mess tonight and he was going to be the one that had to look out, he would have had way different expectations. They hadn’t talked about it earlier, but he assumed that they would both get reasonably drunk and then call it a night...you know, like they normally do. 

“Devi? Devi where the fuck are you?” He figured he could give her a piece of his mind with minimal consequences if she wasn’t going to remember it anyway.

He made a lap around the apartment before he spotted black hair out of the corner of his eye. Devi was in the backyard, being mildly groped by a greasy man with a neck tattoo. No doubt a member of the Ewing crew. Ugh, he was shoving his tongue down her throat and she was definitely too drunk to find him as repulsive as he actually was. Ben ran over and pulled her away.

“Devi, what the hell!” He started pulling her towards the house as she protested.

“Bennn let GO I was just tryna get it IN what the FUCK bro” she was in way worse of a state than he originally thought.

“Sorry dude I didn’t know she had a boyfriend.” Greasy Ewing Boy started to apologize.

“He’s not my BOYFRIEND he’s my MOM.” Devi called back. What the fuck? That was the second time she called him her mom. This was not a good joke!!

“Devi, what the hell is going on??” Ben was getting more and more pissed off about his night. It was looking like he’d have to get her home instead of staying at the party. So much for a drunken celebration of midterms being over. 

“Bennn gettOFFA me I don’t NEED another MOM” she slurred. Why was Ben suddenly her mom? “I don’t need a mom at all! Nnnnguess what, BEN, my mom has cancer, BITCH. You can’t fucking replace her!!!”

Wait what?

“Wait, what?” Ben needed her to back up. “Your mom has cancer?”

“That’s right, bitch!!! This girl is about to be an ORPHAN!! No mom, no dad, no parents!!” Devi was becoming hysterical. “I’m about to be all alone!!” And that did it. Devi was sobbing into Ben’s shoulder. Ben was stunned. He had to get her out of here.

He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her in, and led them both out of the backyard and through the house. He called out to Kara on his way out the front door, who looked at the two of them, confused. “She’s really drunk, I’m taking her home.”

He needed a strategy about what to do with her. He couldn’t walk her back to her dorm like this, it was a fifteen-minute walk, and she wasn’t sober enough to do it. He led them to the sidewalk and pulled Devi in for a full embrace as she continued to cry. He placed one hand on the small of her back and ran his other hand up and down her arm to comfort her. Who knows how long they stood like this before Devi’s tears finally let up. Eventually, her breathing evened out, and she leaned into Ben’s chest. Ben rested his chin on the top of her head.

“Are you okay?” He asked so softly, that even if anyone else were on the street only she would hear him.

“No.” She sighed, loaded with grief and sadness. They stood like this for a little while longer.


	4. Devi and Ben

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben takes Devi back to his place.

“Let’s get you home.” Ben started to pull away, knowing that they couldn’t stand there forever. Devi grabbed his arms and shook her head.

“No––I can’t go there right now.” She was sobering up––at least as much as she could after all that Everclear. “I don’t want to be alone right now.” She looked at Ben, eyes pleading.

This was dangerous territory for Ben. No matter how close he and Devi got, he always maintained certain boundaries between them. He already knew what it was like to lose her once, he didn’t want to risk it again––not when she was such an important fixture in his life.

But this was different. She clearly couldn’t be alone tonight––she had already made a series of questionable decisions. Who knows what else she might get up to if she was alone in her dorm building, where most of the other residents had already left for break. Plus, his apartment was only two blocks away.

“Okay. Let’s go to my place.”

xxx

When they arrived at Ben’s one-bedroom apartment, he sat Devi down at the table where they had worked and eaten just hours before. Devi sat and stared into the distance for what seemed like hours when she was pulled back to reality by Ben placing a glass of water and a tablet of aspirin in front of her.

“Drink the whole, and take that,” Ben said. “You should probably eat something, too.”

A minute later he returned with a plate of toast for the two of them, which they ate in silence. Devi wasn’t used to being cared for like this by anyone but her mom. They were in college. In college, if you felt shitty you were responsible for pulling yourself out of it––especially if you felt shitty because of bad decisions involving Everclear. She was used to it.

The way that Ben had pulled her away from the guy with the neck tattoo, led her out of the party, and then proceeded to give her water and food reminded her of the tough-love care her mom always gave her. Especially after trying to move them to India, Nalini had learned how to balance sternness with gentleness. Devi had come to understand her mother’s anger and frustration as a sort of love language––the indication that there she was concerned and worried. She wondered if she’d lose that. It made her cry again.

xxx

Ben gave Devi a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt to sleep in, and she changed into the only bathroom in Ben’s apartment, which was connected to his bedroom. When she came out, Ben was turning down the bed. Ben looked up.

“I figured you could take the bed tonight––” Ben started to speak as Devi made her way to the bed. She sat on the edge of it. “–and I would take the couch.”

Devi looked up at him, he could see tears starting to form again. “Actually, do you think you could stay with me?”

Ben knew the right answer was no. He knew that if he stayed with her, if he held her while she fell asleep, that it would open up a door that he’d kept closed since they were in high school. It could ruin his expectations and in the long run, ruin her friendship.

_She needs me._

A little voice in the back of Ben’s mind nudged him. She _needed_ him. No matter what their relationship was, Ben knew he always wanted to be there for Devi. It was enough to justify saying yes––if this is what she needed, then he could practice restraint and be what she needed.

“Yeah, sure.”

xxx

  
  


Devi woke up to the bright morning light peeking through the blinds of Ben’s bedroom window. She slowly blinked her eyes open as the events of last night unfolded in her mind. The drinks, throwing herself at some guy, crying on Ben’s shoulder. If she didn’t already know that she consumed too much alcohol last night, the pounding headache she had was all the confirmation she needed.

Of course, there was the most noteworthy thing from last night. Her mom had cancer.

Stage 3 colon cancer, to be specific. Nalini had gone in for her first colonoscopy, as is routine for a woman her age. To be fair, Devi didn’t know a ton about cancer (she wasn’t a doctor... _yet_ ) but she was pretty sure that stage 3 wasn’t a _good_ stage to be in. But she needed to do her research.

It seemed really unfair. Hadn’t she and her mom lost enough when her dad had died? No matter what the details of Nalini’s diagnosis meant, Devi knew that there were really rough times ahead for them.

Devi’s mind raced from the party to her mom to midterms, when she finally remembered that she was in Ben’s _bed._ It took another second to realize that Ben’s arm was wrapped around her, the front of his body pressed against the back of hers. Another second to remember that she asked him to stay with her, and fell asleep crying while he held her. She felt a twinge of something unrecognizable in her chest.

A moment later, she felt his grip tighten slightly and his head lean into her neck as he breathed in. She couldn’t deny that something about the way they laid felt comfortable and easy. As if they had done this a million times before. She realized he must have woken up, though, as his arms were suddenly gone and she felt a sudden emptiness in the space behind her. She turned to face him.

“Hey,” he said softly. His eyes were half shut, still adjusting to the light. “How are you feeling?”

“I’ve felt better...and I’ve felt worse. I’d probably feel worse if you hadn’t given me water and food. And aspirin.”

“It’s promising that you remember all of that––do you remember what possessed you to make out with a guy with a neck tattoo?” he teased. Devi smacked his chest. He laughed, “Ow!”

“As far as I’m concerned, that never happened because no one ever saw it,” Devi threatened.

“Relax, David. I pulled you off of him before anything truly disgusting happened.”

“Thank you, by the way. And thanks for being there for me last night. I was pretty out of control,” said Devi.

“Well, I think that we can probably let it slide. You had a pretty good reason.” Ben’s tone shifted to serious. “Hey, what’s going on with your mom? Is it bad?”

“I’m not sure. Stage 3 colon cancer. I don’t really know much about cancer, but it doesn’t sound good.” Devi paused, trying to maintain the little composure she had. “I’m actually going home tonight. She wants me there when she goes in for more tests this week. My flight is at 5.”

“Do you need a flight buddy? I’ve been thinking about going home for break, if you’re going then I might as well.” It’s not true, Ben hadn’t planned on going home at all. His parents were around even less now that he was on the East coast. But the alternative was to be on campus all week without Devi. So he lied.

“Are you sure?” Devi raised her eyebrow. “I thought you were pumped to like, rearrange your spice cabinet. Don’t you usually do all that anal organizing shit during these breaks?” 

That was kind of true.

“Send me the flight information––I can reorganize my spices on the weekend. It’ll be nice to surprise my parents.” Except who even knows where Ben’s parents were going to be that week.

“Okay, well, cool. Flight buddies it is.”


End file.
